5 year reflection
5 years ago I posted the following to Facebook. It was the first time I spoke publicly about mental health, and it changed my life.
I've been putting this off because of my fear of seeming dramatic and weak (which is essentially where the problem lies and why it's important to speak out).
I've been depressed since high school. I've brushed it off for years as a result of my quirky views on the universe and life and nothingness, but it goes deeper than that and turning 27 has only intensified it. I returned early from Honduras to seek help, and while the psychologist I've been seeing has been able to validate my feelings and helped me to not feel "crazy" (I'm not, you're not, no one is!) I've realized it's time for medicine.
Why am I confessing all of this?
Because a similar post from a friend helped me to come to terms with what I need to survive right now. There is no shame in the flu, there is no shame in diabetes, and there is no shame in depression. It's not something that you can snap out of, it's not something you can control. It's your biology (and perhaps a dose of nurture) fighting against you. You deserve to be happy.
Please, help normalize this. Please talk to your friends or family if you're unhappy, and if they don't take you seriously, talk to me.
The only thing that has helped keep me "sane" the past few months was being able to talk openly about this with my boyfriend and a few friends who are also open about their struggles. Within each other we find validation and normalcy.
I've gathered a few resources over the past few months. Please send me a message if you need help finding help. I will make the call for you.
Be open, be understanding.
Please help normalize this.
5 years ago today I made a choice to start trusting my instincts, my inner voice. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at the time. I thought I was just making a Facebook post about stigma.
I didn’t know it at the time, but choosing to speak was the most radical decision I had ever made, because choosing to speak betrayed my parents. Since I first mentioned I might be depressed in high school they were adamant that 1) I wasn’t and 2) even if I was, that kind of problem you keep to yourself. I almost believed them, because a lifetime of gaslighting and emotional neglect make you dependent on the perpetrator. Because the script we’re born into is family over everything. Trust your parents.
But I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t. I just knew that what I had inside of me needed to come out. So I wrote it down, posted it to Facebook, and it changed everything.
I want to tell you that the choice to trust my instincts changed everything for the better, because ultimately it did.
But I also need you to know that trusting my instincts completely derailed my life. Trusting my instincts bought me a ticket to rock bottom.
In the past 5 years I have:
Spent more years contemplating suicide than not
Seen 4 therapists
Grieved the death of a mother I never loved
Numbed that grief with a shocking amount of alcohol
Attended intensive outpatient therapy
Gotten a divorce
Filed bankruptcy
Lost my entire family
There were many, many times when I did not think I would make it out. I couldn’t fathom being in my 30s. I couldn’t fathom the pain lasting that long.
But they said it would pass, and it did.
It passed because I went through it.
I felt every single feeling. I sobbed every sob, screamed every scream. I stayed in bed when I needed to stay in bed. I accepted everything, because it was all I could do. Things were very bad for a long time, and all I could do was fall.
I have a deep appreciation for rock bottom. Rock bottom is a fucking blessing.
Rock bottom takes all other options away, so your only option is up. Rock bottom gives you focus. It delivers your problems to you on a silver platter.
Here is your second chance. You’ve finally landed - now what?
The only way out is up.
In the last 5 years I have:
Educated myself on the complexities of trauma and mental health
Inspired others to take control of their own mental health
Discovered how fucking amazing and talented I am
Come out as queer & non-binary
Forgiven my mother
Started my photography career and shot over 75 weddings
Apologized to those I unconsciously passed my abuse onto
Created an entirely new life in a new city
Started meditating
Implemented boundaries
Committed to a life of non-judgment
Changed my relationship with alcohol
Realized how my own actions contribute to my suffering
Accepted the power of my highly-sensitive nature
Found presence
Found peace
Found purpose
Gone from jaded atheist to inspired spiritualist
Recognized the way my trauma wired my brain and began the rewiring
Started grad school for mental health counseling
Cut off my family
Excavated my soul from the rubble of conditioning
Learned that I am my first priority, always
Fallen deeper in love with life than I ever thought possible
Started the journey to becoming the person that I always knew, that my instincts always knew, was waiting to evolve within me
None of that could have happened until I trusted my instincts. There was no room. My life had become a tangled mess of other people’s expectations, codependency, trauma responses, and mental illness.
I couldn’t walk without tripping, let alone evolve. There was no room.
When I started trusting my instincts 5 years ago, I unknowingly lit a wildfire.
It all had to be scorched to grow anew.
